Monday, September 15, 2008

stream of thought

I should be sleeping. I'm so tired. However, my brain won't stfu.

The ultrasound went well. Baby is growing and his little heart was fluttering nice and strong. Mike's jaw dropped, he was so amazed. I think it cemented the reality that we're having a baby for him... He's very into the whole pregnancy and can't wait for the next ultrasound.

I'm due around the end of April. I swear my stomach has already stretched a bit. It's not my first pregnancy, but hopefully the second full term one. Maybe my body is just falling into the familiar role and my tummy is just expanding. I'm overweight, I know, but my tummy feels hard in certain spots and I can feel where my uterus is hard just above my pelvic bone. My breasts are huge and sore, I've been exhausted and the nausea omg the nausea!!!! It's just now ebbing off and I'm praying I don't have a full 9 months of this pukey feeling.

Right now my main focus is having a healthy pregnancy and carrying this one to term. Caitlin deserves a brother or sister. I'm hoping for a boy.

My other hope is Mike gets this new job. He's waiting on the drug test to come back good to go and he's in. It's quite a pay jump, about 24k. He'll be working for the Wynn instead of the Bellagio. He'll be around his uncle, and a otherwise new environment... but it'll be good for him to finally be recognized for all the hard work he does, rather then kept on the back burner.

I do love that man so much, and I'm proud of him. He's come a long way in the last 4 or 5 years. I married a good man. He raises Caitlin as his own, and though she tries his patience, he does his very best. Now we'll finally have a child from both of us, something I've always wanted since we were young. I always wished Caitlin had been his, but life took us different directions. Doesn't matter now, we're a family. A real family.

I feel like I need to show Caitlin more love. I find my father's temper coming out of me every time she does something I don't like. Sometimes I have to hold my breath to restrain myself. It's not her fault, she's being a normal kid. It's just the logic that fucks with my head. The whole "why did you do that? I told you not to do that! Don't you remember what I told you would happen if you did that?" conversation we have daily. The fact she knows she'll get a spanking or a toy taken away and she'll go ahead and do it anyway. I mean, wtf??? Maybe my adult brain just can't wrap around little kid logic. It bothers me because I used to be so good with kids. I had infinite patience, I was the goddamn KID WHISPERER. I was babysitting at age 8.
Maybe it changes when you have your own. It doesn't help she has a high IQ and talks like she's 30 and can read MY books and is soooo freaking smart I don't know where she got it from.

I love my daughter so much. I really do. I wish I could show her the affection and the attention that she needs rather then be so arms length with her. I wish I had more patience and more energy to tackle a healthy, rambunctious 7 year old. I wish I could be one of those soccer mom's who all the other kids love cause she's so cool and does all the fun stuff with her kids. I just can't. Maybe some of that has to do with how fucked up her life and mine was from the time she was 1 till we moved to nevada. Constant ups and downs and betrayals by people we loved. Maybe cause it was always just her and me and small enclosed spaces? Maybe the lack of stability affected us both? I don't know.

All I know is that I want to be a better mom. I don't want to be grouchy and quick to anger anymore. I want to be suzy sunshine again and love my little girl whole heartedly and not have to hold back.

I can't wait to tell her about the baby... she's going to be so happy. I seriously think she'll flip her lid.

I am going to stop. I could prattle on all night, but I need to take my meds and lay down. I have 0 energy these days, thanks to the little peanut.

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